cruise control for life?

Let me lead with the good news, because generally I don't! I drove 800+ miles without incident!!! Of course it was a round trip, so that's 400 miles each way, roughly. On my way back, I discovered the many wonders and joys of cruise control!! What an absolutely wonderful feature! My limited cerebral capabilities tell me that it is an application of Systems and Controls, however, not being a graduate student in the subject yet, I may be completely off-base.

Its 3:35am and I am stressed about a phone call that I need to participate in tomorrow. It is going to be a discussion about my academic future with my advisor and is pretty loaded for me. I need to have my wits about me. That makes me even more nervous. In the past few months, someone I spoke with before a similar conversation gave me the simplest advice - he said "don't be nervous!". Its one of those moments that I am going to try and hang on to, because as simple as the advice was, it was what I needed to hear right then.

I am listening to Frou Frou's Only Got One as I write this. Just had a moment of blissful daydreaming induced due to the soothing music. I have had some of those while I am driving. Ever been frightened by the general direction your thoughts take? I am not frightened yet, but I am worried. Its like the statistical phenomena with the 1000 coin tosses with a single coin, once a trend begins, it generally strengthens.

Ever feel like you should have already found what you were chasing? I keep thinking, what exactly am I running after? Some days I feel that the answer is in my system somewhere and it calms me down; other days I hit some sort of frenzy crescendo in my panic about existential questions and it eats at me. I am also worrying a lot about energy consumption these days and am really considering switching off my binary clock, which consumes a lot of electricity and my toothbrush charger, although the latter I am more reluctant to pull the plug for. Also worrying about oil consumption - my drives may be killing the earth, just a little. Also worrying about my bank balance.

Its been so long now since I had a conversation with someone where I exchanged woes and worries and felt better for having shared. Most of my conversations tend to be a little superficial these days, I think everybody is playing it safe now. Wearing your heart on your sleeve just doesn't seem to be quite as fashionable these days. Maybe I have some growing up to do. Actually, fuck growing up. I have seen what grown ups of my age think. I think achievements etc. are important, but I think being happy and having fun is the most important thing. Life is too short! Screw everyone who makes me feel bad about myself for not having achieved as much as them, I am happy in mediocre nonentitydom. It suits me!

Fuck!