Feeling sick.. and tired of news recycling..

I am writing this in lieu of doing anything useful. So, basically, its a regular post.

Anyway, I find the overlap of coverage between NPR, BBC, Wired, SciAm and, to a very small extent, CNN boring. I am not talking about the big stuff. The merge there is understandable. I am talking about the side stories. The other "interesting" nugget stuff. Just realized that I completely ignored NYtimes as one of my news sources. Thing is, I like their coverage of financial stuff, I just don't like how biased and editorialized some of their articles tend to be. You are the media, give it to me straight with zero interpretation. Like that's going to happen one of these days! HA!

Of how some people try to manipulate you...

So, here's the funny thing. One of my friends has this way of looking at occurrences whereby he is almost never the guy at fault. This tendency leads him to interpret people's behaviour in certain ways so as to allow him to arrive at his conclusions. I always secretly assumed this was a character weakness, because it can't almost never be his fault.

However, of late, my perspective has been slowly shifting. It is a slow and arduous process, but it is happening. Anyway, I realized that the underlying principle behind my friend's behaviour was not a self-serving tendency, but an innate self-confidence. A good kind of confidence that is positive for a person's mental health.

I don't like attributing base intentions to people's actions. However, that shift in perspective has involved accepting that people bullshit a LOT. People lie, hide and manipulate.

This morning, I felt the stirrings of an old dynamic between myself and someone from my past life. That he should have stayed in my past life and not spilled over to my new life is my mistake. But the manipulation is something that he and I have discussed in the past and something for which he has accepted blame. Still, after all these years, we are back to square one. I tend to yield and he tends to crush. At least I had the sense to hang up quickly once that behaviour began.

tic toc tic toc tic toc...

pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been?
i've been to london to see the queen..

OMG!! an awesome song..
Not Now But Soon.. by the lovely Imogen Heap...

The Guitar Man - Cake..

Proctoring an exam right now. Kind of bored. Had planned on getting something very important done. However, it turns out that I'm not in the mood to work on it right now. I really like The Guitar Man by Cake. Such a good group...

I'm almost finished with Into the Wild. I have conflicting feelings about the book. On the one hand, I identify with Alex's need to step away from life and all its ensuing obligations and baggage. On the other hand, though, I understand the loss experienced by his family and understand that this was a waste. I guess a wiser choice would have to been to have the cake and eat it too. To look at a map and learn the skills needed before heading off into the wilderness.

I guess the guy who takes the cake is the chap who ventured off into the wilderness and forgot to arrange to have someone come pick him up. Wow! That's a big thing to fluke on. I can't imagine what death by starvation would feel like. Especially when it is essentially self-inflicted starvation.

Anyway, moving to other thoughts. The realtor lady called me and kind of creeped me out by going on about how great my company is. I have changed enough to actually recognize when someone is trying to ingratiate themselves to me. She did. But, all that useless rhetoric about how great my future employers are just adds to my anxiety.

Here's how I feel about the whole employment gig.
1. don't like being told what to do.
2. don't like my time being managed by someone else
3. really freaked out about the notion of committing to one entity for the next few YEARS of my life
4. really freaked out by the haunting memories of Charleston. worried about the social isolation and general feeling of disorientation that pervaded throughout my conciousness.
5. really freaked about stepping into the next phase of life, about aging and just watching the clock spin in general
6. will miss the security/comfort/joy of being in school. i LOVE school. i am happy here. even when i am miserable here, i am happier than i would be anywhere else.

the realtor lady kept reaching for an enthusiastic note in my voice. thing is, i have to do this so i will. i have no choice about the seconds ticking by. i am just worried about natick being a charleston part 2. that would not be good for my mental well being. although, i've worked hard recently to maintain equinamity and a general balance of emotions. who knows what the future holds?

wow, this kid is taking a LOT of time to finish his damn exam. he said that he'd be done in less than 3 hours. he is ten minutes shy of hitting 3 hours. i crib because i am weak. he's cool.

may the light shine on me about Rao-Blackwellized Particle Filters. They rock, and so do interacting multiple model algorithms. However, they currently dodge me and I grow weary of this game....

i love vision. computer vision, tracking... those are some truly sweet fields. i am looking forward to purchasing a lego mindstorm kit. that is going to be beyond fun. it'll be the most expensive toy that i will have ever purchased. doubly expensive, i plan on being a cool aunt and sending a kit to my little tots.

its coming down. she is leaving your house. she had to get out. she is mad and she'll take her mattress with her. its coming down, its coming down, its coming down..
cake...
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BORED again...

The Heisenberg Uncertainty principle...

I am studying for my Lasers exam. Of course I am finding ways to digress. Just read about the Heisenberg Uncertainty principle... the moment you measure something you change it.. the obvious philosophical extension of this is that the moment you experience something/judge something, you have changed it? Can this be right? Let's see... I moved to Charleston. While there, I experienced the place and measured my response to the place. I moved away from Charleston. Did I change it in any way? May be I did. For sure I left an ecological footprint. I may have even influenced my former employers to be more circumspect about how they handle foreign nationals. I may even have made a nano-scale impact on the lives of some of the people there - like my Capoeira brethren.

State College? I know I made an impact here! For one, I impacted the lives of the students that I taught. I either made labs a pleasant, educational experience or I was that crazy Indian female engineer who drove them nuts. Good or bad, its an impact. How about the fact that my former advisor has been completely turned off on MS students because of what he perceives as my disloyal act? Bad impact for him, I think. Good decision for my life.

Hmm... as the time to leave draws nigh, its time to introspect a little and measure what I need to rectify in the future. For sure, I need to have more faith in myself and not overthink things. For sure I need to stand up for myself in trying situations and not accept a substandard situation as the status quo. Being proactive will only benefit you. Guess the more you measure, the more you change.

Yeah, I guess I love trite philosophies. Sort of my own personal Scrubs going on here. I love to hate that show!! I find the people that worship that show extremely interesting to observe. Generally, I find them copying a lot of the jokes from the show, which I think is an extremely observer friendly phenomenon. It makes me laugh. I think I judge them. But then again, that's the bitch, I seem to soliloquizing myself, so I guess I judge myself too!!

Need to get back to the second postulate of Quantum mechanics... null operators and crap...