wishes...

the other day.. i found a stray eyelast at my desk, and i made a wish on it.. a few seconds later, i found yet another eyelash.. and just wished the same things again, i am a staunch believer in backups.. and a few seconds later.. i found yet another eyelash... do you know where i am going with this? its proof of my undeniable stupidity.. the same damn eyelash... lol.. i am really grateful that i am able to laugh at myself.. masochism should have some rewards to the self, after all.


anyway.. *sigh* so, the car's not going to happen this weekend. atlanta is not going to happen this weekend. what's the good news? uninterrupted sleep.. a friend on a mission of mercy visiting on sunday/monday.. (that means saturday has to be spent furiously cleaning the now unbelivably filthy apartment)..

i am trying to establish a rule with myself, where if i can't reassure myself that whatever i say will not be absolutely insane, i won't say anything. i was never one for stoicism, being the youngest of three with nearly a decade of an age difference between us made sure that i whined and got away with whatever i pleased.. but, i am tired with myself of the following things:
1. making a nuisance of myself with people that i do not wish to annoy
2. whining incessantly to every sundry person that i begin a conversation with
3. being unable to cease overanalyzing every little detail to the point of insanity.. i recall this insane moment from the movie pi.. where he is having a siezure or he's high or something (never actually watched the film attentively enough to absorb all of it)... and there is this insane noise/music in the background.. and he is just dragging his hands through his hair and you can see the frustration in his posture.. right now, i am having a very tough time keeping myself sensible.. i feel like an extremely foolish person who doesn't know her limits/abilities/place in the hierarchy of significant things in life..

well, first of all, let me establish this fact, officially, if hitherto you didn't figure this out: i am trying to replace having a flesh-and-blood friend with this blog. and i talk a *lot*. i mean, a *lot* i am a goood listener too, normally, but of late, since my talking quota is unfinished, i find myself yapping more and being a poor listener.. which is not very nice..

anyway, with that out of the way, wanted to mention one of the few things that ayn rand had written about that i had felt myself, at a much younger age than the 13 years at which i read the fountainhead. she talks, through wynand and dominique, of how loving/liking something gives one some sense of ownership of that object. i always agreed with her on this. (i cried when i read atlas shrugged for a week, i was convinced i was one of the useless people.. and to this day, i have not been able to shake that feeling off completely.. i just push it into some deep recess of my mind)... its not the same with people, though. people are tricky. they interpret/misinterpret, communicate/miscommunicate.. the thought that my brain will always be just my domain always made me feel a little happier... i hide.. a lot.. and i guess other people do too.. anyway, the other obviously flaw with extending that principle to humans is that there is no ownership of a human being.. if one is lucky.. then one can master one's life to some extent.. but really, who can say with complete confidence and accuracy that they completely control their own life, let alone partially control anyone else's?

i am procrastinating sleep, can you believe that? my brain has to be a truly scary place if i am doing that.. anyway, cab's coming at 4:45am.. its 11:57pm now.. gotta go..