basement jaxx - broken dreams.

think i finally gave up on something impossibe today. feel a little numb. today is my sister's 34th birthday!! happy birthday akka!!

the bad thing about having a memory is that you can remember all the painful stuff. the good thing is that you sometimes remember some really happy things that make you smile and know that you are loved.

i know i'm loved, i just wish some of the people that loved me, and that i can stand at this moment in life, were here. i know myself, i can't stand riff-raff. refuse to socialize with annoying people who only add drama and irritation to my life. i am picky and everything horrible, deal with it! its who i have been right since childhood - kathy once gave me a key chain that said "i'm right! its the world that's wrong". unfortunately, that captures the essence of my soul, even though i don't necessarily subscribe to that point of view any more.

when did all this maintenance crap creep into life? when did working mean that you barely made enough to make ends meet? when did being single mean that you were lonely? growing old sucks. i still feel like a child, still feel like a teenager that needs to be looked out for rather than be doing the looking out and paying bills etc.

it just flashed in my brain! being in charleston is kind of like aging, you wish to god you could undo the process and get out, but there is no way out!! i say charleston, but really i mean where i am in life, with regards to my career and personal life.

i am trying to be positive and happy (it doesn't show?). its really hard for me right now, life is in a slightly shitty place (no pun intended or may be it is, who knows these days?) and there are precious few supports in life. i am trying to learn that i am my biggest resource. (pun intended?)

and oh, by the way, i realized that there are many forms of masochism and that one of the most annoying kind is that of the person who works himself to death and doesn't have time to spend on new friends!! :-P (its my blog, i can abuse/disabuse at my pleasure, and i choose to exercise that right!! yeah!)