More on Ulysses and my little existential crisis...

Lately I have been pondering a lot about where I am, why I am here and where I go from here. I am in Charleston, SC - doing something that is getting to be interesting, but really, in all honesty, I hate this work. I am also wondering what sort of a person I am. I don't think I recall feeling a single, burning, overwhelming passion for my academic pursuits in the last decade, almost. I have certainly pulled my share of all nighters as an undergraduate - is that the index of passion for what you do? Will I ever feel the need to wake up from sleep, having just realized what the solution to a work related problem is and burn the rest of the night feverishly working on it? I really hope I am a sincere and dedicated person - a lot of people have sacrificed a lot to put me through school and it would be poor repayment indeed to not benefit thoroughly from the education that they struggled so much for me to acquire.

I have a plan for my life. It is a strong plan that makes a few bold and harsh assumptions, but as my life seems to be going right now, they seem to be well justified assumptions. Am I molding my life to fit my plans? Is it wrong if I am? My dealings with New Jersey (I refuse to use his name, for whatever reasons) have really made me wonder how rigorously one should adhere to their idea of an ideal life - an idea that was conceived as an adolescent, with no true idea of what the future truly holds. My plans for my future always seemed a little harsh to me, but I knew that it was the best plan for me. I am a unique person, (everyone is! :-D) I was really remarkably suited for a single life. I have the bitterness that is required and the selfishness and Darwinian backwardness of physical appearance that marks me for out as one to be weeded out in the process of natural selection in life. I realized, post New Jersey, that for some reason, I mainly like like ass wipes. So I am actually kind of glad that I am low enough of the totem pole of attractiveness (physical and otherwise) to never be in the danger of entangling with another person. I prefer to be miserable alone than with someone else, thank you very much.

So, that explains why I shall lead my glorious, jubilating, exciting life alone. I love my family. I really do. It took losing one of us for me to understand just how solid their support is. I choose to live today, and one big reason is that it is too hard on the family to lose a member of the flock. I can't believe that my childhood is past. I vividly remember scenes of my brother and sister ganging against me, my mother cooking, my father returning home after a long day in town or arriving at the airport. I really miss them. I really miss the past!

However, everything said and done, I have inherited my father's tendency of living alone abroad. Going back to India would be extremely difficult for me at this stage. I like my freedom and relative independence. I like the general mentality of the West much more than I do of the East. I am not a coconut! I would always choose to be an Indian, because I was born one, I would just choose to never live in India in the long term.

So, that leaves me with family on the phone and friends as my local support. And I have said this a million times and its worth repeating, I have been extremely lucky with regards to how many good friends I have made in life. I do hope to gain a larger degree of independence, though. The whole car scene is currently really bringing my independence/fun/doing that which I want to do when I want to do factor down right now.

I do hope that I meet a Mr. Darcy at some point in my life. Even if it is brief, I want to feel happy with a fellow human being who is more than a friend for once. I remember when NJ visited me for Thanksgiving and some part of me kept wondering, is this it? I want to experience the feeling of being with someone and thinking, this is it!! Who knows? One of these days, with all these scientific advances in genetics, pigs will fly. That is both the beauty and bitch of life - you never know what is going to be thrown at you! I don't honestly expect anything that optimistic to happen, though. Relationships are super hard, from what I can tell, and basically it is too much work to get to the blissful state and in all honesty, I think I just don't have the patience for it.

Why am I pouring so many of my thoughts on the blog today? Because I called five friends and they are all asleep. I feel alone and I need to talk to someone. If you read this and you are someone I know, know that all the touchy feely stuff that I mention is something I will never own to! Even if you show me my blog, I will somehow find a way to disown these thoughts, it betrays my cool, bitter, pessimistic image. ;)

I am kind of tired of soul searching for now. Going to go numb my mind in some sort of productive activity, hopefully.

To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield.
To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield.