Jazz.. a wonderful book.. and my confused thoughts..

I spoke with my brother yesterday. He helped me see things a little more clearly. I need to bring a little stillness to my heart and head. React too quickly and too much.

Anyway, life is OK.. work is actually picking up.. I have convinced myself that everything will work out to what it has to. Seems like a nice segway into the discussion of how can one do anything but be a Darwinian and believe in a god at the same time? I am agnostic. I don't know if there is a divine being who takes care of everything for you. Or, just looks over you. In my own stupid world, *nothing* really, really matters / holds firm - everything is relative. Still, there is a double standard there too, somethings, like justice and honesty are absolute. Basically, there is a reason why I loved the notion of fuzzy logic so much; it seems to be the foundation of my thinking. Anyway, going back to my thought, everytime I tell myself to calm down and that what is going to be is going to be, I wonder if that means that I belong to the "life is random and chaos will do what it will" school of thought or the "everything is preordained and nothing we say/do can change things" school of thought. Guess that's called a paradox?

I am learning to be happy here, it comes in small steps. However, my life has this curious tendency of placing the most amazing setbacks in my path. I imagine everyone feels like that about their life. My brother told me that I need to see everything as a challenge that I will conquer. Bring it on! People have seen worse things in life, as have I - there is nothing that Charleston or indeed any human being can throw at me that I can't handle.

Believe me, I don't want to be someone who whines all the time. I wasn't. I was cool, a long time ago! Well, I'm on my way back to cooldom.. have some truly awesome things planned for when the car comes.. and blown through a 150 pages of my book since Sunday night, should be done Thursday. Then it won't be a book a week, it'll be a book in 5 days! :)

(And oh! I decided to branch out on the music shows that I listen to on the BBC, yet again. Gone back to Jazz and the classics. Note to self: Must look for good radio channels online that are free!)