ernesto

there's that feeling of panic that grips me, every time i get stressed... i remember feeling it when the car was spinning - can't think... feel this desperate sense of urgency and want to do something to make it stop - life is a little rough right now. the paradox is that i always aspired to be this awesome island of a person who just blew through people and places. my father had a gazillion friends and had visited a gazillion countries...

i am feeling sorry for myself and angry with myself (life is nothing without contrasts/paradoxes/complications)... need to pull myself together.

its funnier because i am in "the south" *soap opera music*

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."

--
something i stumbled across on youtube..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEXa5CBSdSk

2 things -
1. i think Clifford T. Ward's Home thoughts from abroad is a truly beautiful song
2. i want to go see europe on foot, in all its glory!

there she goes again...

life is full of craziness... there is the brother who briefly considered getting me married off to some "nice indian boy" to solve my immigration issues (mercifully there is the sister who came to my rescue by saying "let's not try and solve one problem by creating another!" (yay akka!!!)) ... there is the absolutely intense, confidence crushing realm of my work... the hurting casualness of people that I invited to a game night who didn't have the courtesy to call and let me know they couldn't make it (50 bucks worth of food down the drain... so to speak... (i am eating it all, unfortunately the salsa and the 5 layer dip won't keep for long, so i have to be a bit of a glutton there...))... there is the head-scratching conundrum that i face... how the heck do i still stay in this country!?!... there are the windmills of my mind that churn and turn incessantly...

its not all bad, i started "drawing" again. *shrug* it makes me feel better. i wouldn't show my stuff to anyone, but it makes me happy - reminds me of what it was to be five!! i realized last week that i am still a child!! really!! i have my grown up side that takes care of that which needs to be taken care of, but at the same point, i really don't like most of the baggage that being a grown-up comes with. the whole thing about friendships getting complicated blows... i like having people that i can randomly hang out with, people that i randomly talk to, people that have a diversity that is enriching... you know, how when you were a kid on the play ground and you didn't have to worry about being too needy for a friend - it would all sort itself out, one way or another... and you'd still have a friend...

i love capoeria for that... i am trying to do a headstand... i remember doing those when i was little, just for fun, on the mattress at night before going to sleep... i like laughing and having a good time with friends. don't get me wrong, i will always be there for a friend if they need me - but at the same point of time, there has to be a fun factor in life that doesn't involve a lot of baggage/planning. spontaneity is so thrilling and essential!!

so what am i saying? i am going to convince my family that i need to go back to school, for a ph. d., which will allow me to escape the real world for the next five years! i am going to make the world a better place in my own special way, one day... some how...

--
hyuk hyuk... i just read this on an awesome blog... (http://www.overheardintheoffice.com//)... reminds me of starvin' marvin :P

We Tell Them Americans Are Fat Monsters. Is That What You Meant?

Trainer: In America, when our kids don't finish their meals we tell them that there are starving kids in Africa. What do you tell them?
Clients from Kenya: [Silence]

Cafeteria, Hazina Towers, 258 Monrovia Street
Nairobi, Kenya

rockets in the sky

i've begun a new thought/life experiement - trying to focus on the big picture ramifications of any situation before completely freaking out and pressing the panic button. helped at work today. if they fired me today, it'd basically preempt an action that is about to occur in roughly 6 weeks time. Ofcourse, this would mean that I'd forfeit that most important requirement while searching for a job, a good recommendation by your last employer.

anyway, 'nuf said about that. i stumbled across some truly mindblowing electronica a long time ago on launch and then re-stumbled across it on youtube this past week. in a very bass loving phase right now, so this works out well for me. will say this though, the group i am listening to currently has music videos that most definitely merit the "adult viewing only" tags that have been attached to them. i have never watched porn in my life - but this is definitely up that alley, so i think i'll erase the porn-virgin label from myself.

and oh, speaking of stumbling into videos - i stumbled upon some, to put it crudely, tranny music. it scared me a little. the whole gender-bending thing is so intense. i have nothing against it, a la seinfeld, not that there's anything wrong with it. its just that it must take a lot to say "i'm going to show genetics the finger and get rid of my hoohoodilly (or chacha)"!!! (refer - south park episode about cartman finding his father) a lot of courage of conviction, to say the least. random thought, a sexchange operation could qualify as a sterilization procedure!

on yet another random note, i think someone at work mistook me for a lesbo. umm, honest to goodness, i don't know what the hell to make of that!! it does make me laugh, though. i was listening to a show on npr that janeane garafolo was a guest on. and she said something about getting typecast into roles of the bitter, cynical, wise-cracking dyke. (am i allowed to say that word without being a bigot? also, interesting to think of the etymology of that phrase being used in this context.) i just thought it was interesting that there are stereotypes for just about everything under the sun - the nattily dressed gay dude, the bitter and agressive dyke, the shabbily dressed / nerdily unattractive computer geek hetro (and ofcourse, porn comes into the picture for all three of these caricatures), the argumentative jew, the super-uptight WASP, the smelly/hairy indians (1. i am referring to guys here 2. the smelly epithet is applied to basically anyone from a foreign country, generally in from asian countries/the middle-east/france), the bad drivers who just happen to be asians and even worse drivers if they happen to be females, the sleepy mexican...

i don't think i am going anywhere with this now... (not that i ever was...) but i think i am just listing stereotypes at this point... need dinner and some shut eye!!!

good word

http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/suzerain

omg! the best mix of two songs that i have heard in oh! so long!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MEeg6Wdwlw&feature=PlayList&p=76C3AC5346A991F7&index=1

the dandy warhols song that plays was on the Igby Goes Down soundtrack!!! i hate to do what i am about to do, but this occasion deserves nothing less - w00t!!

btw, did anyone read the article on wired about shooting sulfur into the atmosphere to prevent as much sunshine from penetrating the atmosphere - doesn't get cooler/scarier/cutting edgier than that!!! (i am ambivalent about such ideas - but something needs be done!!)

a good memory.. to make up for the bad one...

I just happened to look at my blog today and realized that my post from yesterday was kind of bitter/angry. First of all, let me say that there was a lot more that happened in my head/in reality than I mention in the post. I am sure I was at fault too, I just don't see how! :P Also, not that it matters, but I am not some spoilt brat who thinks the world revolves around her. I am a spoilt brat, for sure, but my expectations are definitely tempered by how things actually work.

Anyway, the good memory. I have a number of best friends. I am just that lucky!! My oldest best friend is a girl called, shall we say, Rapunzel. Well, Rapunzel is 2 years older than I am and has a brother called, shall we say, Rumpelstiltskin. And Rumpelstiltskin is a year older than I am. I have known Rapunzel since I was 2 or 3 years old! Anyway, when I was little, I had long hair. I am talking about two feet to three feet long. Anyway, poor old Rapunzel had issues growing her hair long. She couldn't get it past her shoulder's length. She used to be jealous of my hair. (Um, I didn't care one way or another, my mum used to tend to my hair, as long as the hair-caring didn't cut into my play time, she could do whatever she wanted with it.)

One day Rapunzel, Rumpelstiltskin and I were playing on the grounds right by our houses. (We lived close by.) We were playing pakada pakadi (tag - wow! I had to look at the Merriam Webster to make sure I wasn't confusing tag with catch, which I was :P) and I was it. For some bizarre reason (actually, she wanted to pretend that she had long hair as well, in fact hair that was longer than mine), Rapunzel had donned a wig that day. It was a braid that was about four feet long. I remember running to catch Rapunzel and grabbing hold of her hair. And lo! and behold!! her hair came into my hand, and she was still running!! I remember a huge argument ensued regarding whether she was out or not. Ofcourse, I championed her being out, contact is contact!!

I think Rumpelstiltskin tried to mediate, but that poor guy, she and I always united to pick on him. I think in the end he ended up being it. I am not sure anymore.

You can't appreciate the hilarity of the situation unless you were there. Or maybe I am losing my touch with regaling people with my wonderfully funny anecdotes. Right! Like that's even a possibility!!?!! ;)

Toad the wet sprocket - Walk on the ocean (I have been doing that a lot of late, love the ocean!)

a bad memory.. wonder why its circling around in my head.

i once bought my ticket to india keeping someone in consideration. i extended my stay in the newark airport at some cost (i think it cost about $200 - not that it is that important, but as a college student who has not much income these things gain significance) because i wanted to see someone and spend some time with that someone. this was decided upon weeks in advance. a day or two before i left atlanta, someone fell sick and took a few sick days off work. he didn't even care about the job. anyway, when the day of my flight came, he told me he wasn't coming to the airport. i didn't believe him, thought he was pulling my leg. (this was my friend friend, you see - aren't friend friends supposed to take a day off for you if you are in town and you haven't seen the person in 8+ months?) i sat at the newark airport with a $50 gift in my hand for this person and wept! (again, its not about money per se, i wasn't earning much, that's probably some food money that i used to buy him that sweatshirt.)i wept for a couple of hours and then i bought a book and read my book. he came four or five hours later, when i had an hour to spare from my flight back home and we had dinner at the airport. he didn't think it wrong that he ditched me, despite the amount of planning that i had put into it and thought me inconsiderate for being upset about his no-showness!

when i say i am a fool, i mean it. you can't let yourself get caught up in what you see in a person - especially if its not really there. staying grounded in reality is so important. recognizing that your concerns alone are the most important thing is paramount. i like to think i am a decent human being, but somewhere along the line i became so scared of offending and hurting that i put everyone else's concerns above mine. that's bullshit!! i am putting myself first now - i need to be happy and content, because life is really short.

Crash! Boom!! Bang!!!.... skid... skid.... control...

Eh, the phone call didn't go so well. I was hoping for a resolution of my situation and this phone call didn't help me get there. Oh well! I am sure that there will be more phone calls to make and emails to send. There is such a thing as a mission being too easy. You have to climb the tree and risk life and limb to truly enjoy the sweetness of the fruit. :P

*Shrug* Can't be miserable... swaying to beautiful music (Dancing in the Moonlight - Toploader, gotta love the Brits!) ... shit happens, after all, I am still in Charleston ;)

note to self - artists + songs to look out for

Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight

/me sways to the music

A genuinely unworthy thought...

This convertible driving ahead of me kept using its brakes on a road where everyone was driving at approximately 50mph. And this person wasn't really even slowing down, just randomly braking. A thought formed in my head and I am ever so heartily ashamed at having thought it. It was along the lines of... "oh my god! do we need to check if that's a woman driving that car?!?" :P (Oh and in case anyone reading this blog doesn't know... /me is a female)

There will be people who will tell you that I brake whenever confronted with something unexpected. Makes sense, its sort of part of my psychological make-up. However, since the said fact has been pointed out, I have been working on being bolder and confident - in driving and in life.

Working on keeping myself happy right now. Need to be in a positive frame of mind, always. Need to be agressive about life. I have a feeling that my laidbackness has now slowly turned into passivity. Not good!

Tomorrow is very important. I have a very important phone call to make. I even put off my plan to cook enchiladas off until Saturday to make sure that everything goes well tomorrow. (I already bought the stuff to make it. Except for the red hot chile pepper, I don't know what that is. I wonder if the book author is pulling my leg?) Send me happy, confident, success-seeking-and-finding thoughts. Tomorrow decides if I spend my next year or year and half in a place far west of here - where happiness lies, amidst the mountains and the deserts.

OH MY GOD!! My little pony!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_qPm8l3GMY&mode=related&search=

check out that link!

:P hehe...

ok, so this was a link i came across on my google individual page..
http://people.howstuffworks.com/kissing1.htm

i tittered my way through the entire article. some of my thoughts about the article. (i read with the very pure aim of intellectual curiosity - wanted to see how intellectually stimulating an article howstuffworks would make out of this)

* the whole discussion about whether kissing is a learned or an instinctive behaviour pattern is very, very interesting. of course, it extends to other concepts - laughing and crying for instance. how about the fact that in my cpr class they taught me that if someone is grabbing their throat, that's the international gesture of choking? its amazing that some reflexes (learned or not) or responses are the same across most of humanity - says a lot about a lot of things.

* indians teaching the greeks about kissing. yay! :P i have always felt that indians are underrated and given less importance than they deserve. indians rule and that's the long and short of it!! :P (ofcourse i think the kama sutra is a little too intense... but i know that's a matter of personal preference... besides, i have never read the book, only watched the movie... and boy was that an interesting experience!)

* kissing being a private activity in some cultures. i remember when i was little, if i saw the hero & heroine of an indian movie hug (the conservative in me wants to use the prudish embrace... but i am not as much of a prude anymore... embracing hippiedom etc.:P) i'd have to walk out of the room if my parents were watching the movie with me. and this is a non-handsy, non-hotsy sort of hug that i am talking about!! and when i was little, indian movies did not depict any kissing whatsoever! (with a few exceptions - aamir khan and juhi chawla in QSQT) these days, hindi movies are very debonair in what they depict and i am not so much shocked at the actual activity that is being depicted on the screen so much as just that fact that it is!

* oxytocin - wow! someone i recently met told me that his sister was given oxytocin to induce labour! it makes sense to me now- it helps develop feelings of affection and attachment. exactly what a mum to be needs! sometimes nature absolutely amazes me! its really nice how things fit and work together, like the fibonacci sequence and flower cores... also, its kind of scary to think that kissing someone is something that even your body participates in! (don't be a smart ass and look at the obvious participation of the body - its that you are suppose to like the person at a very basic and primitive level - chemically even!!)

* cooties... herpes mouth ulcers... ewwwwwww ewwwwwwwwwww ewwwwwwwwwwwwww
:P that's why i refuse to even share food/drink with people coooooooooooooooootiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss eeew!
*giggle*

* the advertisment for the lip balm on the pages... lol... does it get any funnier than that?!?!?!?!

of late my sense of humour has reduced to that of a blithering 12 year old's! i've been laughing at the stupidest stuff... like right now, i can't type for shaking with laughter at the seriousness of the article!! (and the topic.. :P its funny! :P)

i'm doing ok now... life is coming under control.. slowly. what is to come will come - i will make sure that i have seven hours of sleep on me to face it. :-D

yaar.. kya se kya ho gaya..

mera dil roh raha hain. yeh kya jagah hain, woh kaisa dost hain? iske saath mulaakat kyon honi thi? zindagi aasaan thi... mera dil roh raha hain... kaash sabh thoda alag hota... kaash maine apne dil ko sambhaal paati. yaa kash uske dil maine bhi mere liye kuch hota...

zindagi bahut mushkil hain... aur mujhe uski dosti ki zaroorat hain... lekin woh mujshe rooth gaya hain... aur humare beech ka faasla badhte hi jaa raha hain...

mera dil roh raha hain..

strange how things happen..

apparently my salvation (so to speak) may lie in getting a job with a non-profit. i am going to try to make the most of it.

i wish i could say what's in my heart. wish i could get that release and hopefully feel better for it. right now, there is only silence on the outside and a rush of thoughts and emotion within.

wish i had my own planet and that i didn't have to deal with a single other human being. that money was not an issue. that i had books, music and movies on my planet. (the mechanics/logistics aren't important, its a fantasy.) basically people without the hassle of having to deal with them.

as thom york of radiohead so elegantly says... "no alarms and no surprises..."

*peace*

i think this joke's really cute.

If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.

Is he still wrong?


08/23/2006 (this one's wrong!)
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

yeah.. i'm a loser.. its the third post for the day...

whatever... i need to finish my "talking quota" for the day... its needs be finished.. and finish it i shall..

i have always tried the whole "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens... these are a few of my favourite things" strategy... on a few occasions i have actually sung the song to make myself feel better. must say that i have had a lukewarm response to said strategy. maybe i'm not doing it right?

anyway, right now, i must needs imagine a happy time and happy situations. want to work for a relief agency at some point in the future. i looked at the UN's website in 2000. it seemed a little too complicated and demanding. i want to work at the grass-root level. see my work make a difference in people's lives. connect with people and be a part of their life. that's going to be where my journey finishes.

before i reach destination finale, i want to stop by europe. once on a backpacking trip and once for an extended period, in a nice, snow-capped mountain filled country - like switzerland. speak the local language like a native. know the streets like the back of my hand. know their culture. know their history. know the vegetarian food of that country inside out. have friends in the land where i am living. read, go to the theatre, go dancing, go hiking, drive across the country, appreciate the nuances of the different cheeses - happiness!!!

before that, i want to excel at my technical profession. also dabble in professional writing. see if i can manage to direct that play in india that i always wanted to. pick up drawing again, write a few poems that i am not embarassed of. try different things. be friends with worthy people. be worthy of the worthy friends. live a decent life that involves no malice towards anyone else.

hopefully my brother will have a son and a daughter. i have two nephews and they are awesome and i love them to death. however, i think little girls are the sweetest things in the world! i wouldn't change a diaper, but i'd buy them all the cutest outfits in the world and pick them up and carry them around. come to think of it, i'd do that for any baby, independent of gender. babies are awesome to hold. don't get me wrong, i have no desire of birthing a kid - i just like holding other people's kids.. i refuse to get a much desired cat because i refuse to handle the kitty litter stuff...

oh wow... this is just depressing me...

bloggy, *hug*

a post about the blogs i read...

I think the greatest source of entertainment is watching another human being. (And on extremely rare occasions, it can be a true treat and reward to interact with one, but those are a once in a 6 month sort of affair. Fewer still make the cut of "decent friend to have". Anyway, I digress.) Granted, most human beings probably aren't ideal candidates for this sort of entertainment, especially if your sense of humour is as sophisticated, finicky and intelligent as mine! :P

I love blogs for the insight they provide into people. Sure, I know that not everything said on a blog is true, I blog too! It is still fun to read other people's blogs. I have a list of about 6 blogs that I check once a week for any updates. One of them is a serious blog by a teenager in the UK. He writes about politics etc. His political views are extremely radical and disturb me, but atleast he puts a lot of thought into it and has a logic to his beliefs. I will listen to anyone who has anything to say, hysterical or not. (As long as it doesn't border on bigotry, then I will listen but not respect as much.) Another is a school chum's blog. She is studying in NYU and I have always wanted to live in NYC. Then there is my friend vaiby's blog. Hasn't been updated in sometime. And, then there is Germ Boy's blog. Germ boy is someone I recently met in the doodoo-hole that I have the happiness of calling "home" right now. There is also my friend Ashish's blog. Ashish is in India on a mission of mercy.

But the star of my repertoire of blogs has to be the blog run by two guys who live in DC. Its called DC Gays of our Lives!! I have never had a gay friend in my life that I was close to. Don't know how that happened, just did. I have always wanted to know more about that community. Wonder if the metrosexual male is an urban legend and if all metrosexual males are actually gays in denial? Anyway, these guys (Chip and Dale, ofcourse!) are so awesomely punctual with their blogs. I am always assured of something new and insightful!! Its like being at the receiving end of an extremely gay and flaming thumbs-up. :-D

song du jour moby.. why does my heart feel so sad?

I am feeling one of those lows that I know I am going to see myself through. I have a lot of stuff to get done today! Already accomplished a bunch today, just need to get some more stuff done. Life is getting back to a structure, trying to get myself together to make sure that I survive this adverse situation. My book is coming along well, I am trying to eat healthier and wipe my kitchen counter before going to bed. Somehow, the simple act of wiping the kitchen counter and closing the trash bag makes me feel like I am doing something to take control of my life and make it better. Its not exactly cathartic, but its comforting in its own way.

Why does my heart... feel so sad?

#Occupants at the cul de sac = 1 (again)

Listening to Nikka Costa - Everybody got their something

I just watched (now listening to The Killers - Mr. Brightside) L'Auberge espagnole. I thought the movie was a little lukewarm, except for the last scene. *Spoiler Note - I talk about the ending! Look away if you plan on watching this movie and haven't done so already.* That last scene, where he bolts in the face of the souless, gut-wrenching corporate humour captures how I have been feeling about this place very succinctly. If I had the courage/ability/privilege to haul ass out of this place, I would be out sooner than anyone could say Jack Robinson! I was not meant for a dry, grey, structured existence. Its not me! I am a bohemian in my own little repressed, conservatively brought up way. My spirit shall not be happy in a land where dress-codes, superficiality, deceit and negativity rule.

I know my dream of backpacking across the world will come true! I am looking forward to days when money shall be a non-issue, and the only concern in life will be what country to traipse off to next. Viva la bohemia!!!

My friends visited this weekend. They are awesome. We had a lot of fun. I was happy here, again. They have left now, but they've left me a little stronger. I am resolved that this place will not break me. I have a book I am reading, Blockbuster, a physically exhausting yet exhilarating martial arts class to look forward to and my life to get back into order. I am ready to control the demons of my mind and intend to face every challenge thrown my way with equanimity.

ack... cleaning....

so, i am procrastinating cleaning. my friends are due in about 3 hours. still have the bathroom to clean, the kitchen to clean, the dishes to do, laundry to do and the area to vaccuum. ack!!! ick!!! eeewww!!!

i was thinking about how ridiculous a person i am for posting to the blog every few hours. always been scared of being intellectually bankrupt and just being full of conversation and bluster. to translate, i'm afraid that i'm just full of shit and an uninformed idiot that doesn't read enough.

i don't think i will ever willingly/happily take a management position for that reason. i think managers are mostly full of shit. i like my boss, but he's an exception to most managers i know. i think when you lose touch with actually doing things and making things happen, you lose a basic sense and feel of competence. you just have to accept other peoples' bs and work with that - or call them on their bs and then there is the nice little pressure-tactic game to play.

one of the other things that really scares me is when people use super technical jargon. i am much more of a "thingamajiggy/thingy" terminology sort of person. sure, push come to shove i could probably pull the proper terms out of some corner of my brain. but i feel like i am someone who has skated around on extremely thin ice and been extremely mildly successful in convincing people of marginal intelligence based on pure bs skills. hopefully i learnt something somewhere.. hopefully i am not merely crapulous. (my usage of that word is actually technically incorrect, imho. but its a word like deletrious, you may use it incorrectly and still communicate your thought effectively. ;) of course this assumes that your audience isn't well read enough to notice you faux pass. i think its a safe assumption 9.5 times out of 10 :P )

wow.. amazing how much i will talk to avoid stupid laundry etc. no time, no time. friends coming in 180 minutes or so. not a second to spare!!!

tough situation...hell.. life could be worse..

yeah.. i could be pregnant.. carrying the spawn of evil cobra or skeletor... having to face the wrath of my family at my loose morals and be disowned by them... single, pregnant mom with no prospect of livelihood...

i could be in a car wreck! i could be in jail... i could be a drug addict... i could be wearing pink... i could be driving a pink car... i could be in a horrible relationship that makes me feel like shit and destroys my confidence in myself (goodbye nj!)... i could be at a friend's funeral... i could be physically attacked... i could have a deadly disease... i could have to listen to britney spears day in and day out on the stupid charleston radio... i could be mentally traumatized... i could lose my sense of humour... i could stop laughing at others...

life is ok... life is ok... friends coming into town... must clean apartment... must do laundry... must clean car... (probably, the cleaning car thing is not going to happen.. but the other two must!!!)

i love my family.

I just don't say it often enough, or show it to them. They are the foundation of my existence. I wouldn't be in this world without them, at almost all the significant levels. They are my rock.

OMG!! OMG!!! OMG!!!!!!

There shall be a game night at the Cul de Sac again!!! I shall see friends again!!

I love my friends. They make this place a little easier to live in.

blah.... blah.. blahhhhhhhhhhhh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8HemfRVK8E&search=Funny%20Humor%20Crazy%20Arrested%20Development

So, a warning about the above link, it is for mature audiences only. You know the rest.

I am tired, my class is awesome but so demanding of my sinews! My friends may be visiting tomorrow. I have my fingers crossed.

I don't have anything much to say today. Physical exhaustion is amazing for that, drives away most thoughts. Oooooh! I do have something to say! I drove through a lightning storm at about 8:15pm tonight and saw a beautiful rainbow at about 6:10pm, again while driving.

Oh, just in case anyone was wondering, I hate Charleston with every molecule, every erythrocyte, thrombocyte, leucocyte, neuron, nephron, rod and cone, islet of langerhans, bowman's capsule, tymphanic membrane, cornea etc in my body. :P (I love ranting!)

this is not a good time... i don't feel good..

its ironic that my one reason for moving to charleston is the reason that i am getting booted from the country. i feel like i am being stripped of all my future prospects for a decent career and happiness. i have no rights to this country, legally anyway. but i have always wondered, do i have any rights to this country, that are non-legal? (goes back to the ayn rand thought of owning something in some way if you see some potential in it.)

i am terrified of roller-coasters. i will ride them out of sheer stubbornness (i refuse to be cowed by most things), but i have rarely enjoyed it. i don't scream loudly, its all in my head. i am a silent screamer. :) charleston is one roller-coaster ride that is starting to make me nauseous. wish to god i had never come here. (and yes, i am agnostic and still said "wish to god", it is just an expression to me. get over it.)

i need some positivity in life.

this concept keeps dogging me on the net..

http://www.singinst.org/what-singularity.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technological_singularity

related subjects:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Event_horizon

maybe the universe is telling me that it is time to get myself out of this doodoo-hole and achieve my greatness in the glorious field of intelligent systems!! (don't you know, artificial intelligence is out of vogue as far as terminology is concerned! :P)

razorlights - america! (i think the universe was trying to tell me that i may have to quit america soon..)

wow! all it took was one assholish comment!

that's right.. one comment is all it takes. i *finally* see the light!! i feel much calmer now. sure i feel a little angry (mostly with myself for my ridiculous behaviour and for being such a chump!), but all the same, got to admit, its great to step out of my confusion. my question wasn't answered, but knowing that the other party honest to god doesn't care about my mental health or existence lets me know that this can't be a friend! a friend would have spared me the two minutes (taken away from lofty ambitions of curing cancer et al) to answer and explain and make me understand.

i went to the local barnes and noble and bought 2 books. life is too short. if indeed i am to spend my last solvent days in the doodoo-hole that is this town, i am going to make sure that i am not more miserable than i have to be!

i recently joined a martial arts class. i suck at it! but, its so graceful and demanding! i have never had a problem with being the laughing stock of the class, because i know that the people that matter know better. it is indeed true, the people that matter, know better. those that don't, don't matter!!!

petitioners of the world unite..

Two of my friends have offered to write to their congressman, asking to extent the H1-B US work visa quota. Its touching, reminds me that there are people in this country that do want me to stay. If you are a sympathizer, please consider writing. Help me keep Mr. Darcy in my life!:P

I am exhausted. Been driving myself over some psychological edge.

On a completely random thread of thought, I keep thinking that my car's rear left wheel has deflated. Not a good thing to think when you are going 80mph on not premium SC roads.

What's coming up.. is it a season finale, or a series finale? Season, I hope, desperately.

funny joke.. *non-post post*

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

interesting.. *this is a non-post post :P*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MD5A62mcmpU

i love that singer.. heard a few of his songs..

but talk about missing the mountains for the trees (or whatever that phrase is..)
look at the dude who is bellydancing!!!

syrianna

I just watched Syrianna. I haven't made up my mind about it yet, the movie has such a strong bias that its hard to determine its merit. The good news is that I can watch it again tomorrow.

I made a resolution a few hours ago. I am going to limit myself to one post to the blog in every two days. I am not going to indulge in being upset about my situation. Right now, I need to be strong and get my act together and make some really important stuff happen. I need to be positive and be aggressive about my future.

So, goodbye bloggy, for two sweet days. See ya Tuesday. Just keep your fingers crossed that I don't hit a hat-trick and have something else that feels like a car-crash happen to me. (For those who have lost count - #1 car spinning on the interstate #2 having to face the possibility of going back home!)

you had a bad day - daniel powter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3Qh1rJKg_s&mode=related&search=

that little girl knows more of the words to that song than i do.. love videos like that.. reminds me of my little nephews.. they are awesome little fellows, never fail to amuse me what their little brains come up with.. but just a casual observation, most kids these days are ridiculously brattish! (ofcourse, i don't have kids or spend much time around them, but what i have seen of late has not left me impressed :P)

i drove across the ravenell bridge today.. it was an interesting experience.. there was an accident in the right most lane.. i didn't look too carefully, didn't want to end up imitating them subconsciously. i drove to a part of charleston that i had never been to before, and got to my destination OK.. i consider it a minor achievement.. got lost downtown on my way back though, after taking the wrong stupid ramp and essentially going back to the place that i had left and returning downtown again.. :P

life is an adventure, of many magnitudes. don't know where i am going in 3 month's time, don't know where i am going tomorrow. (can't decide if i want to take tomorrow off or not.) i must confess, i feel a bit like a cancer patient right now, there is a countdown in my head.. is this actually going to be the end? i don't want to go back to india, yet. i don't. i don't want to give up my car. i know there are worse problems in life and that people have faced worse situations and all that jazz. but i am facing this problem right now, and right now, i am alone and on my way out!

i rented three movies today...

everyday is exactly the same.. nin

not a good sign when you wake up and your first thoughts are "sh*t, sh*t, SH*T"... my brother is going to kill me... why me? et tu Dept. of Labour? stab wound number *insert random number*..

did you know julius ceaser was stabbed 33 times? that's what they say anyway.. of all the shakespeare plays that i was taught, i think i liked JC the most. ofcourse, my favourite character was the angst ridden Brutus who was a complex character fraught with contradicitions. marc antony was slightly duplicitous and extremely manipulative, not cool. and i don't think even shakespeare meant JC to be a likable character.

didn't think much of merchant of venice, especially once the cross-dressing begins.

once upon a time, i knew JC and MoV by heart. every line! i knew a gazillion poems by heart too. i loved high school, loved the stuff i was taught there. i actually liked my systems and controls stuff in school too. i really want to go to med school at some point. and law school. and direct a play, in india. going to try and go back to sleep.. its too ungodly early for a weekend (8am).

so the blogging is out of hand.. but these are stressful times..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4f5rK21oqIY&mode=related&search=

this show is witty beyond words.. it really, really sucks that stupid fox couldn't hang on to it.. but then again, the third season kind of really blew.. who knows?.. anyway.. love the dialogue!

(listening to lifehouse's sky is falling (acoustic) - it rocks!)

olivia joules..

one of her rules of living.. "don't think about anybody else, because nobody is thinking about you"...

expendibility, replacability.. words that i have never appreciated as much as i have this week. its quiet an experience having someone come up to you and talk about replacing you at your work...

i accept that it is hard to understand the complexities and issues of anyone else's life. but, wow! that felt really, really brutal. i'd say it teaches you your worth in life, but i know there is more to measuring a person's worth than their immigration status. its just that even though i don't have a home anywhere on this planet.. this place was so much closer to happiness than india is.

i have wiggled out of a lot of tight spots before.. had my fair share of luck.. maybe it just ran out.. or maybe something is going change.. and i'll wiggle out again.. who knows..

i heard daniel powter's had a bad day.. it appeals to me today.

i'd say soy un perdedor.. but it seems really superfluous at this point.. talk about a local minima! the second order derivative of the curve of life right now is definitely equal to zero.. and i'm not a local maxima, i can tell you that!! i belong in graduate school, its the only place where loserly nerds like me should be...

I hope nobody that shouldn't be reading this post is reading this post!

i know this is wrong.. but ha ha!

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2006-08-04T133732Z_01_N04338345_RTRUKOC_0_US-CASTRO-WITCHCRAFT.xml&src=rss

reminds me of the arrested development episode where GOB is trying to dispose of the dead dove into the ocean..

sos

i remember when i got back to the us in spring 2002, i used to cry every day in the shower for about 15 minutes. i'd take about 2-3 showers a day too. i felt like life had veered off-course, that my family was really far away and unable to help me in any truly meaningful way and that i was all alone. i think i cried my way everyday right up to august, when i finally got some help and things started to turn around.

well, i've been crying for the past few days now. i know the circumstances aren't the same,
thank god for that. life is a bitch. a true whore. i need a break. i want to be happy for some time. i thought this phase of my life finally heralded calmer, happier times. bitch!!

systems and controls on my mind... halcyon..

projects that i think are interesting that i would want to be involved in:
1. aerospace systems and controls - especially the UAVs. those are FUN
2. weapons systems - doesn't get any cooler than precision shooting, but please note that i am a pacifist. it just appeals to my nerdy side.. the intellectual challenge of it..
3. car systems - the DARPA contest across the mojave was cool beyond words.. would love to be part of a project like that
4. communication between robots - that is an awesome subject, to learn how intelligent systems interact and coordinate.. (there's an awesome wiki article about event horizons.. and nerdier things related to that)
5. sensors + fuzzy logic. although the greek who taught me fuzzy logic was, for lack a sufficiently comprehensive, satisfying and fitting word, a prick!!! i think the principles in that field are truly unique, and honestly, i love, love, looooooooove working in matlab! it rocks! (especially simulink, although i am a complete retard!)

i am gearing up for a new phase in life. one with one purpose, education. life is beautiful, i am going to have the time of my life learning more about this world!!!!!!!!!!


oooh.. and one last time... for tonight, anyway, orbital rocks.. halcyon is divine..

orbital- halcyon

one of the best dance tracks that i have ever heard... that's the sort of music that i imagine tripping on acid must be all about!! i wish i had the courage to try something audacious like that.. but knowing my compulsive/impulsive personality, i think it best to leave some mountains be unscaled. i am sure it must be awesome to trip, but one has to have an amazing amount of control on one's mind to not let it take over your life.

wow.. i started the blog with a thought of writing about harry potter and where i think the story should go... its amazing just how sidetracked i can get!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
*spoiler note, if you haven't read all the potter books, don't read below*
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ok, back to harry potter. first of all if the woman has a wicked sense of humour, then she will kill harry off in the last book, and have Voldemorttttttttttttttttt win!! however, we know little children are reading these books and what sort of a message would that send? naa, harry is definitely going to win against voldemort, and since the prophecy predicts that one shall live and the other shall die, there is no possibility of both of them dying. harry shall live.

a more intriguing question is that of snape and his duplicity. i believe dumbledore. i believe that he had good reasons to trust snape, although i don't know what they are. i believe dumbledore and snape had spoken about the unbreakable vow that narcissa malfoy asked of snape and that dumbledore chose to die rather than snape. probably d realized that harry needed an ally who was closer to voldemort than him. i also think that d has some degree of insight into the future that prompted him to choose snape's life over his own.

what of dumbledore? he is a portrait now. we all know he is going to talk in the next book. but how much? also, is harry going to have access to d's portrait all the time? isn't harry going to be on the run? i am sure there will be a moment of crisis, where dumbledore will somehow manage to help harry out.. but it won't involve him coming back to life or appearing as a reverse echo or anything (he couldn't anyway, he was killed by snape's wand)

2 people are going to die.. i hope its not hermione and ron. i want those two to end up together. they belong together. hmm.. who then? neville? (that's so unfair.. neville is a fellow doormat syndrome victim.. no, no.. not neville) who then.... hmmmmmm GINNY!!! yes, ginny must die! harry loves her, and voldemort isn't going to go quietly.. he will lure harry into a trap that he shall set by using ginny as bait.. so that's one down (*evil little titter*) who's the other one that bites the dust????? eh.. i haven't figured that one out.. just hope its neither hermione, nor ron and that the two of them end up together. (maybe macgonagall?)

r.a.b? regulus a. black.

horcruxes.. a very interesting question. i believe there were 2 that were unaccounted for..

ok.. i am far too distracted by orbital and their mindblowingly fanta-f*cking-tastic music!! toodles!

james blunt.. out of my mind..

that was my Systems and Controls anthem.. somehow I did really well when I had that song playing while I studied my Systems and Controls junk.. i really, really enjoyed being an engineer. hardware suits me, in my own goth-chick-girly way. :-D

i'm a fool, i'm everybody's fool. wonder when i will lose the doormat syndrome and finally develop a spine that ably supports my extremely well hidden, albiet many would say (including myself), few strengths. (support a strength, isn't that a novel concept?)

i'm a fool in charleston and very happy to be shipping out. hopefully some calm will ensue and i shall stop giggling. (yes, despite all the doodoo in life, the fool that i am, i am still giggling!) most importantly, hopefully i'll give up hope and accept and recognize reality!

what does life hold?
whereforth shall the road unfold?
will i grow to be old?
or die with a happy heart and no money in the bank, nor gold?
sooner or later, sooner rather than later.. rhyming will grow old! :P


(yeah, did i mention that i am trying to get back into my poetry writing mode ? :P)

in sight of recent events, i am now officially allowed to swear again on the blog.

although, i will try not to.

i just got back from a drive. it breaks my heart, everytime i sit in mr. darcy, to think that i may have to sell him sooon. this is my official whining space, so here goes....

life is so unfair!! this is not my screw up.. this is *someone else's* screw up.. my life in charleston was finally starting to find some semblance of calm.. i was finally starting to make my peace with this place.. this is not just my life they are playing with, my family's fortunes vaguely depend on the direction my life takes as well.. how can someone be so unprofessional?!?!?!?!?! how can you just say, oh well the quota filled much earlier than anticipated? WHY DIDN"T YOU EXPLAIN THE PROCESS TO ME??? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU GET PAID FOR????????????????????

OMG!!!!

you know, i came to charleston, slept on an air mattress for ruddy well a month, suffered through some serious inconvenience, financial stress and emotional stress because i moved here without a car, per advice of someone in an important position, worked for a mere pittance, because you were supposed to deliver ONE DOCUMENT to me and glory be!! that's the thing you fail me in?!?! (I am referring to CC)

right now, here's my pathetic situation. career-wise, i have hit a bump that will take me considerable time to recover. personally, i am going to have to give up a lot of my freedom and friends to go back to a land where my brother will demand that i return home before the sun bloody well sets!!! (i'll be damned if anyone back home will give me shit about my weight or my looks - they will risk facing my wrath!!) my heart is still not behaving... still insisting on being stupid and its only causing me hurt... i don't know if i will ever get to pursue my dream of robotics... I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my heart is leaking, and my face is about to leak. i wish i could go eat an ice-cream with a friend and just break the tension some, i really need a break.


and oh, like i said, this is my whining space.. i'm not some selfish brat that can't see that others may have bigger problems, like being split off from their children and junk.. but i need someone to talk to and whine to... so if you don't want to read it.. click away from here..

cry baby cry.. make your mother sigh...

to the uninitiated, those are the words from a quiet beatles song. my face started leaking at about 5am this morning, leaked at work too, a couple of times. i am scared of what the future holds, or doesn't hold! i have seen the worst time that i will ever face in my life and its a few years in the past now. i know that except for life itself, everything else in life is secondary. my family is fine and my health isn't too bad right now, that is the most important thing. i feel alone and lonely here, but i will get through that too.

i am trying very hard to hang on to a balanced perspective and recognize that everything is all right and is going to continue being all right. its like mercury said.. "nothing really matters at all" (bo rap)

if anyone out there wants to say a prayer for me, pray that all my wishes come true! ;)

i think is pretty funny..

in its own little asian way..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZkLT5IHtp0&search=crouching%20tiger%20hidden%20dragon

i will survive!! i will survive!! i will survive!!

to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield...

its time to move beyond this place. i must admit, i am a little upset! however, some insane part of me is really, really relieved that charleston, sc is not my final destination (well, for the next few years, anyway.) ofcourse my financial plans are completely in disarray and i am in some serious doodoo right now. for one, i haven't told my family! (the official excuse is my brother's recent dental surgery.)

:) i have just typed, retyped and erased my words for the past five minutes. its not like me to be lost for words! i *always* have something to say. this place has left with me with more questions and confusions than i thought would be possible for some podunk city in south carolina to throw my way.

i would say that my situation is cut and dried, but really, who knows what is playing on the Life channel tomorrow? maybe i'll meet some mexican who wants to have babies with me and some how miraculously happens to be a legal citizen of this country! ;) (oh, and wants to marry me.. no point in meeting a legal citizen mexican otherwise.. )

good thing i booked the guster tickets etc. last week, would not have spared the money for it this week!!