a bad memory.. wonder why its circling around in my head.

i once bought my ticket to india keeping someone in consideration. i extended my stay in the newark airport at some cost (i think it cost about $200 - not that it is that important, but as a college student who has not much income these things gain significance) because i wanted to see someone and spend some time with that someone. this was decided upon weeks in advance. a day or two before i left atlanta, someone fell sick and took a few sick days off work. he didn't even care about the job. anyway, when the day of my flight came, he told me he wasn't coming to the airport. i didn't believe him, thought he was pulling my leg. (this was my friend friend, you see - aren't friend friends supposed to take a day off for you if you are in town and you haven't seen the person in 8+ months?) i sat at the newark airport with a $50 gift in my hand for this person and wept! (again, its not about money per se, i wasn't earning much, that's probably some food money that i used to buy him that sweatshirt.)i wept for a couple of hours and then i bought a book and read my book. he came four or five hours later, when i had an hour to spare from my flight back home and we had dinner at the airport. he didn't think it wrong that he ditched me, despite the amount of planning that i had put into it and thought me inconsiderate for being upset about his no-showness!

when i say i am a fool, i mean it. you can't let yourself get caught up in what you see in a person - especially if its not really there. staying grounded in reality is so important. recognizing that your concerns alone are the most important thing is paramount. i like to think i am a decent human being, but somewhere along the line i became so scared of offending and hurting that i put everyone else's concerns above mine. that's bullshit!! i am putting myself first now - i need to be happy and content, because life is really short.